Friday, March 14, 2014

Why do we always want what we can’t have?

Not only do we find ourselves attracted to what we can't have but we also find ourselves attracted to who we can't have. For example: I want these white AG size 25 jeans that no one seems to have,  a baby blue Gucci blanket from Bergdorfs, and something else that I will leave unnamed for multiple reasons. But to get all of those things I have to give something up, 2/3 of those things being money and the last one...well I happen to have no control over the last one.

At the same time, it's certainly important to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it to. If you break up with someone, (yet don't want to be with them)-you're really in no position to say anything if/when that person moves on. Similarly if you want the gucci blanket, you cant expect to have that $400 in your bank account still. In either case-you would be foolish if you did and it would be wrong for you to want them, only because you thought you suddenly couldn't.

There is always going to be that one person in our lives that we want to be with, but can't have. That completely unattainable person that we pursue and pursue but yet get no where (except maybe at the bar drinking our sorrows away). So the question is, what is the attraction to the people that we can't have? Do we only want those hard to get? Or is it just hard to get what we want? 

One reason for this persistent (half psychotic) behavior is that we just like the chase, which maybe goes back to the whole "hunter gatherer" concept we learnt in 9th grade social studies. For men, it may be about an ego boost/power trip. Getting the person that keeps rejecting you is seen as the ultimate conquest, because it's more of a challenge. At the same time-it reaches a level of pure desperation if the persons clearly telling you he/she doesn't care, yet you still chase them idiotically.

When someone seems to available, we seem to become less available. No one wants someone whose crazy, stupidly (bend over backwards at any given moment) in love with you. In fact sometimes it can be seen as insanity if someone loves your every flaw, or tries to pursue you for over a year after your breakup.

Recently I wrote a post about being friends with exes, thinking it was completely acceptable to have casual convos with your ex about current relationship dilemmas (he did give good advice after all). Well, turned out that backfired, and i've 100% realized that you cannot be friends with an ex boyfriend. As they only want one thing from you, and it's not advice, nor will it lead to a magical rekindled relationship if your still in love with him.

Human beings are competitive by nature, which is why we love sports and other various forms of competitions. While we don't want the person thats to easy, we also don't want the person that's to hard. It's that push-pull that messes with peoples heads, until you either end up winning "the game" or losing miserably while crying in your bed, under a canopy of bed sheets.

At this point, I still want what I can't have even though I know that what I do want is a bumpy road that seems impossible to ever conquer (for a million different reasons-on both ends of the stick). Pursing someone who will never want you is an easy way to continue feeling like absolute crap about yourself, it's an easy excuse not to start re-living, and a reason to wake up miserable. At the same time, if we had a cheat code to life it would soon get boring. No relationship is ever perfect, and some hit unruly obstacles sooner than others, but it's always important to invest your time (and your money) wisely.


  1. If there's just one peice of advice I can give you, it's this - when there's something you really want, fight for it, don't ever give up regardless how hopeless it seems. And when you've lost hope, ask yourself if in 10 years from now, you're going to wish you gave it just one more shot. Because the best things in life, they don't come free.

    I don't want you today. I want you forever.

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