Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Life after love

They always say you don't know what you have until it's gone. If your single, you may find yourself longing for a relationship, while if your in a relationship you may find yourself craving freedom. The grass is always greener. So what exactly does one learn from an ugly breakup? (leading to your eyeliner making you look like a panda bear and chocolates being thrown at the tv-elle words style). 

The ten things love (or life after love) teaches us are as follows:

1) Life goes on-whether we want it to or not. The first time I thought my heart was breaking (and world ending) was after a three year relationship that lasted throughout high school. The worst part of it was that I skipped out on many opportunities including attending my senior prom (this was because my "ex" best friend went to my senior prom with my graduated ex boyfriend of many years. Ouch.)  Even though it was upsetting, I learnt that life goes on and that it wouldn't be the last time I have my heart broken, or get stabbed in the back. I survived the betrayal from both accounts, and quickly learnt that I was better off without either one of them.

2) Emotions are unreliable. They allow us to feel one way or another, while confirming our thoughts. They effect the way we look at life. Just because your sad, doesn't mean the world has to be. It also doesn't mean the next ten years of your life will be. Emotions have nothing to do with the reality of things, which is vital to remember.

3) Love isn't always what it seems. When you break up with someone, you start to question if you ever loved them in the first place. Many people will confuse love with infatuation, or allow there overwhelming emotions to fool them into thinking they were in love. You may have never loved your ex, but only thought you did or similarly, still love that person and not know why you do. Love is easily miscalculated.

4) People will put themselves and there happiness first. For a relationship to work, it takes two people. Being with someone and spending your life together is a great, as long as both parties think so. Nothing should or will glue you both together, nor should it. But love is the only thing that can convince someone to put someone else's needs before their own. With that said its also important to realize that love doesn't last, someone may claim they love you today but disappear tomorrow. This is because there putting their happiness first.

5) Emotional pain can hurt more than physical pain. All dramatic-ness aside, no one likes there emotions toyed with. But we seek the behavior we allow. If we allow someone to walk all over us, they will, which will eventually tip ANYONE over the edge. For physical pain, there are cures. Emotional? not so much. Having your heart broken allows you to experience a new type of pain, one that doesn't have a remedy.

6) Life isn't fair. When you love someone-you want him or her, no matter what. You will do anything and everything to try and win them back or spend time with him/her. But when love goes south, your left with "wants" that cant be fulfilled. You can't force someone to love you, or even like you. And just because you love them, doesn't mean they will ever love you back. If they've flat out told you they don't care for you-its important to realize they don't and to give it up (don't continue to pursue someone who wouldn't do the same for you-i've made this mistake and the only person that ends up hurt is you). No matter how hard you want, or try to make things work-sometimes they just don't and this pertains back to lesson #4.

7) Expect the unexpected. Life always has a way of surprising/shocking us. If someone told me a year ago that I would be in the "situation" that I am now, I would have laughed at their insanity and asked what they were drinking. Jokes aside-life will always have a shock factor. When you fall in love, you hope that it will be forever but most times-this isn't the case. People don't end up with the first person they fall for and this is usually because their first love isn't usually the right type of love (I know mine wasn't).

8)Life is entirely what we make it. Even if your thrown a real game changer in your life, this doesn't mean the world is ending, nor does it mean you should give up. When your in love, days seem brighter, people seem better, and the world seems more beautiful. This is because were focused on the person we love, rather than the pouring rain outside or the test we just failed. All of this, does a 180 when we fall out of love. The beautiful world seems bitter. Hope is lost, along with ever finding your "happily ever after". This is evidence that life is what we make it. If we seek happiness, we will find it.

9)We take out our emotions out on the wrong people. I have always had a tendency to do this, and the older I get-the less acceptable it becomes. Love can be incredibly intense and push us to our wits end. When relationships go sour, many of us distance ourselves from our partner and even go as far as attacking him/her because there an easy target. We push people away as a defense mechanism, to see if we can push them far enough to the point of breaking before we do.

10)Nothing in life is self sustainable. In fairy tales, the perfect relationship with "the one" should be easy and require little maintenance. But everything in life requires effort to maintain, which is why most relationships end up failing. People think they've won the game before they actually have. If you stop putting in the required effort, you risk losing it all and let another player win.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Why do we always want what we can’t have?

Not only do we find ourselves attracted to what we can't have but we also find ourselves attracted to who we can't have. For example: I want these white AG size 25 jeans that no one seems to have,  a baby blue Gucci blanket from Bergdorfs, and something else that I will leave unnamed for multiple reasons. But to get all of those things I have to give something up, 2/3 of those things being money and the last one...well I happen to have no control over the last one.

At the same time, it's certainly important to realize that you can't have your cake and eat it to. If you break up with someone, (yet don't want to be with them)-you're really in no position to say anything if/when that person moves on. Similarly if you want the gucci blanket, you cant expect to have that $400 in your bank account still. In either case-you would be foolish if you did and it would be wrong for you to want them, only because you thought you suddenly couldn't.

There is always going to be that one person in our lives that we want to be with, but can't have. That completely unattainable person that we pursue and pursue but yet get no where (except maybe at the bar drinking our sorrows away). So the question is, what is the attraction to the people that we can't have? Do we only want those hard to get? Or is it just hard to get what we want? 

One reason for this persistent (half psychotic) behavior is that we just like the chase, which maybe goes back to the whole "hunter gatherer" concept we learnt in 9th grade social studies. For men, it may be about an ego boost/power trip. Getting the person that keeps rejecting you is seen as the ultimate conquest, because it's more of a challenge. At the same time-it reaches a level of pure desperation if the persons clearly telling you he/she doesn't care, yet you still chase them idiotically.

When someone seems to available, we seem to become less available. No one wants someone whose crazy, stupidly (bend over backwards at any given moment) in love with you. In fact sometimes it can be seen as insanity if someone loves your every flaw, or tries to pursue you for over a year after your breakup.

Recently I wrote a post about being friends with exes, thinking it was completely acceptable to have casual convos with your ex about current relationship dilemmas (he did give good advice after all). Well, turned out that backfired, and i've 100% realized that you cannot be friends with an ex boyfriend. As they only want one thing from you, and it's not advice, nor will it lead to a magical rekindled relationship if your still in love with him.

Human beings are competitive by nature, which is why we love sports and other various forms of competitions. While we don't want the person thats to easy, we also don't want the person that's to hard. It's that push-pull that messes with peoples heads, until you either end up winning "the game" or losing miserably while crying in your bed, under a canopy of bed sheets.

At this point, I still want what I can't have even though I know that what I do want is a bumpy road that seems impossible to ever conquer (for a million different reasons-on both ends of the stick). Pursing someone who will never want you is an easy way to continue feeling like absolute crap about yourself, it's an easy excuse not to start re-living, and a reason to wake up miserable. At the same time, if we had a cheat code to life it would soon get boring. No relationship is ever perfect, and some hit unruly obstacles sooner than others, but it's always important to invest your time (and your money) wisely.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Dumped by text?

Given life seems to evolve around social media these days, it's to no surprise that 56% of relationships last year ended by social media, text or email. Gone are the days of courtesy breakups, and many defend their decision to "pull the plug" through this digital outlet because it "makes the process less awkward" revels a report.

The men and women surveyed were between the ages of 18-30 and were asked how their relationships ended, followed by how their break up was finalized. The results revealed that 62% of the respondents claimed they had been the one to end the relationship, and 55% said they did so, to make the process less awkward. 

Out of the 2,712 Americans surveyed, 58% defended there dumping technique, stating that it allowed them to "fully explain their reasoning". Ironically 73% of these people also said, that they would be annoyed if they were the ones broken up with digitally, and when asked why 60% of people claimed they felt it would be "too impersonal". 

The study was conducted by vouchercloud.net as research to how much technology plays in the life of an American consumer. 

"Digital has well and truly taken over, even when it comes to our relationships it seems. However you want to break up is entirely up to you, but it may be worth noting that we found that quite a lot of people would be hurt by a digital break-up, as it's seen as a little too impersonal. Even though we're, of course, huge fans of the internet - I'd personally like to see a return of the good old hand-written letter when it comes to declarations of love (or lack of love, in this case)"  Says a spokesperson for vouchercloud. 

Personally, I wouldn't like a letter nor text (if being dumped), and believe this situation should be handled face-face whether delivering the end... or accepting it!

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Breaking Up With Manhattan

Breaking up with Manhattan has got to be my hardest breakup yet. Having lived here since I was 18, I'm reluctant to leave. As well as the first to admit that when it comes to living with people (even family), I'm pretty selfish. Im used to doing everything alone, which means shopping, eating, cleaning, complaining and everything in between. These qualities usually attribute to my independence, but living with six people will not.

I have to learn how to tune out the xylophone my sister plays at 10 pm at night, deal with my brothers Kate Upton comments (along with south park jokes), watch my baby sister twirl around in tutus, and be "pleasant" to my parents, instead of acting like a spoiled 22 year old brat, sulking about her Manhattan breakup (easier said than done). 

Of course the most daunting part of moving, is moving all my clothes. I have acquired so much over four years, that it seems almost impossible to move. I have no idea where 43 pairs of heels will go, and no idea how I will transport them. But on a more serious note, I have to pack everything up. From plates-books-perfume-holiday decorations-EVERYTHING, and then drive it home to long island (5,000 times). Overwhelming indeed.
My first true love 

I have less than two months to pack, unpack and settle. I will miss walking everywhere, the skyline, ubers, seamless orders, tanning on my rooftop (with champagne), unapproachable attitudes and the overall NYC atmosphere. Along with walking into my local Starbucks every morning at 6 am, and getting my drink handed to me (already prepared).

A reoccurring lesson this year has been to appreciate what you have until its gone, because literally life can change overnight- and for me it certainly did (with life, living and people). Decisions often mean sacrifices, and change is always intimidating. Especially when your life turns upside down.

On a positive note- I get to redecorate my bedroom which means getting new paint, new furniture and possibly a carpet (a soft ground to fall on when things get rough). With that said, furniture shopping has got to be the most boring thing ever. When I went two weeks ago, I looked like a 13 year old brat arguing on her cell phone (the entire time) instead of opening drawers and observing tentative beds. Another reason to appreciate all of life's blessings, even if it's choosing new furniture.

I also anticipate on moving back into the city by 2015 ( fingers crossed) dependent on getting a job early September, and being able to save opposed from shop. But im in no rush to plan, as i've come to realize that life can throw unexpected lemons at you and change your life plan. They say the best things in life are unexpected, because there were no expectations. So for now, I'm taking it day by day whilst learning to adapt to any obstacles thrown my way.

Summer Frills